Author: L.A.Rollins

AMBULANCE CHASER, n. A shyster who isn’t shy.

AMERICAN INTERESTS, n. 1. Corporate interests. 2. Israeli interests.

BASKET CASE, n. A soldier who has said a farewell to arms–and legs.

BELIEVER, n. An opinion addict.

CATECHISM, n. Dogmatism.

CENSORSHIP, n. Vee haff vays uff making you shut up.

CIA, n. The Conspiratorial Intervention Agency.

COMMON SENSE, n. The faculty that enables one to see the obvious truth, such as that the earth is the center of the universe around which all else revolves.

HERETIC, n. One who disagrees with a fanatic.

HERESY, n. An underdogma.

ISRAEL, n. The United States’ best ally in the Middle East, which is why, whenever the US gets into a war in the Middle East, Israeli troops are right there fighting along with American troops against our common foes.

MALPRACTICE SUIT, n. Shyster vs. Sawbones.

NEW WORLD ORDER, n. A new and improved world order.

PEACE WITH HONOR, n. Defeat with deceit.

RENDEZVOUS WITH DESTINY, n. A tete-a-tete with TNT.

THANKSGIVING DAY, n. A day when Americans give thanks that they are not turkeys, even though many of them actually are.

WAR, n. Apparently a very bad thing, since every warmonger abhors it.

ZIONIST PROPAGANDA, n. AIPAC of lies.

Dear Allah,
Hello again, you BS artist.
In my satirical essay, “An Open Letter to Allah,” in my book, “The Myth of Natural Rights and Other Essays” (Nine-Banded Books, $13), I criticized one of your blatantly specious arguments for your own existence, an argument which went like this: “Seest thou not that Allah sends down rain from the sky, and forthwith the earth becomes clothed with green?”
But in rereading “The Holy Qur’an,” as translated by Abdullah Yusuf Ali, I noticed, particularly in Surah 56, another, somewhat different type of argument for your existence. It’s a type of argument known in informal logic as a false dichotomy, false alternative, or an either-or argument. It involves asserting there are only two possibilities when there are actually more than that.
Usually, the one who is using this cheap debating trick will say there are only two alternatives, one that is easy to refute, and the other one that he wants suckers to believe. After refuting the easy-to-refute alternative, he then triumphantly declares that the other alternative must be the truth.
In Surah 56, you don’t bother to spell all that out, Allah, but here’s one example of the false dichotomies you set up:

“See ye the water which ye drink?
“Do ye bring it down (in rain) from the cloud or do We?” (Surah 56: 68-69)

So you’re trying to pretend there are only those two possibilities: (1) either humans bring down the rain from the cloud, or (2) you bring (or send) down the rain, Allah. Presumably, you expect us to reject (1). OK. Let’s say you’re right in implying that humans don’t bring down the rain (even though there might be some exceptions to that generalization). That doesn’t prove that you send down the rain, Allah, because you’ve ignored and haven’t refuted at least two other possibilities.
The first is the possibility that rain is sent down, not by you, Allah, but by some other god, perhaps a god more worthy of worship than you. Maybe Yahweh, or Ahura Mazda, or Zeus, or Thor, or Chalchihuitlcue.
The other possibility you’ve ignored, Allah, is that the rain comes down as part of a natural cycle of events without any god being involved. And here’s the thing, Allah. Your long, boring book contains lots of specious, inconclusive arguments for your existence as “the Creator” of everything, but not a single, solid, conclusive argument for the existence of any such creator of everything.
If, as you pretend, you are all-knowing and all-wise, why can’t you create some better arguments, Allah? As I’ve pointed out before, some mere human philosophers have actually managed to create better, more convincing arguments than you have for the existence of a creator-god.
Allah, you’re a fake,a fraud, a phony. Go play in traffic, Allah.
Yours truly,
L. A. Rollins

Emperor Bush–you had to admire
How he so boldly led us into a quagmire.

Emperor Bush never ended the war.
That’s not what he started it for.

The war in Iraq was not a mistake
Even though the reasons that were given were all fake.

Emperor Bush was so endearing
To friends and family who were war profiteering.

Emperor Bush–wasn’t he lucky
He could give some war bucks to Uncle Bucky?

Emperor Bush solved all our problems
By cutting taxes and killing Moslems.

Emperor Bush had a complex mind,
The military-industrial kind.

The military budget did not shrink
And now the Navy sails a sea of red ink.

If you want to buy a bunch of tanks,
Go borrow some money from the banks.

Emperor Bush dug us deeper into debt,
But our kids can pay it, so, hey, no sweat.

Emperor Bush supported our troops
By getting them killed for selfish reasons, you dupes.

Emperor Bush was a regular guy,
A Skull and Bones member just like you and I.

Emperor Bush cared about me.
I had a billion dollars, you see.

The Emperor opposed double taxation
On any investor or corporation.

As for employees (can you guess what rhymes?),
It was okay to tax them four or five times.

Emperor Bush didn’t have to think.
He waged class warfare just from instink.

Emperor Bush–a great hero was he.
He kilt him a terrorist when he was only three.

Emperor Bush fought terror so boldly
By invading Iraq and killing people coldly.

Emperor Bush was such a brave Americano
He refused to fight Saddam mano a mano.

Emperor Bush was a man of peace,
Just like Sharon, the bloodstained beast.

Emperor Bush was braver than braver.
He kissed Israeli ass only ’cause he loved the flavor.

Emperor Bush knew what Jesus would do.
Jesus was a neocon warmonger Jew.

Emperor Bush walked in Churchill’s shoes,
A hardcore warmonger, but without the booze.

Emperor Bush was not a lame duck.
He ducked real good when the shoethrower struck.

And to judge from what I saw on the cable-TV news,
That guy must have thrown at least a thousand shoes.

CONSTITUTION, THE, n. A constitution that was unconstitutionally substituted for the original US constitution, the Articles of Confederation.
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DEMJANJUK TRIAL, n. A Jerusalem witch trial. (Fuck ’em, if they can’t take demjewjokes.)

FACIST, n. One who judges another person based on his or her face.

GOAD, JIM, n. The World’s Bravest Man, unless maybe Ali Fadel, mayor of Baghdad, is the World’s Bravest Man, or Alex Jones, or….

HIROSHIMA, n. A Japanese city Harry Truman decided to atomize because it was a military target and he didn’t want to kill civilians.

HOLOCAUST, THE, n. The most evil and most entertaining crime of all time.

9/11, n. The day when everything changed, when George W. Bush transformed from moron to genius, when the Bush II administration lost all interest in invading Iraq, and when the US government dropped Israel like a hot potato.

RETALIATE, v. To take an eye for an eye, or in the case of Israel, to take a hundred eyes for an eye.

RON PAUL REVOLUTION, THE, n. A revolution that is not a revolution, at least not so far.

SELF-CENSORSHIP, n. Tying one’s own tongue.

SIRIUS, n. The hidden supreme god of the secret societies of the West, just like Jahbulon, Lucifer, Satan, etc.

ABOMINATION, n. An action that puts God’s nose righteously out of joint, such as men having sex with men or anyone eating shrimp.

ABSOLUTE , adj. Obsolete.

Amenable, adj. Willing to say, “Amen.”

AMERICA, n. Columbia, the Purloined Gem of the Ocean.

ARMS CONTROL, n. People control. I’m sure the folks at the John Birch Society will agree that when Weapons of Mass Destruction are outlawed only outlaws will have Weapons of Mass Destruction.

BLACK ATLANTIS, n. The title of this lexicographer’s book proving that Atlantis was the first civilization and that it was a Black civilization.

CREATIONIST, n. One who knows that humans are not animals, which is why humans don’t eat, drink, defecate, urinate or copulate.

CULT, n. A religion that is disapproved of, especially if it is smaller and less powerful than other religions. Past and present cults include Jews for Jesus, Christians for Krishna, Quakers for Quetzalcoatl, Zoroastrians for Zeus, Sciencefictionology, the Dead People’s Temple, the Latter-Day Sinners, etc.

GOD, n. A word which will be erased from the lexicon of life when our Luciferian Conpiracy has achieved complete control. Nyah hah hah! Nyah hah hah hah hah!

INVESTOR, n. One who gambles on Wall Street rather than in Atlantic City or Las Vegas.

MAN, n. In traditional Catholicism, a sack of shit made in the image of God.

MARKET MYSTIC, n. One who believes in the magic of the market.

MENOMINEE, n. An American Indian tribe consisting of all those who have been nominated for an Academy Award. Members of the tribe can sometimes be heard to say, “Me nominee.”

PURITAN, n. One who believes that even sex in the shower is filthy.

WATERBOARDING, n. An extreme sport that many Muslims have participated in in recent years.

APOSTLE, n. A fisher of men who uses the worm of immortality as bait.

ARMAGEDDON THEOLOGY, n. This is the way the world ends, not with a whimper, but with a Bible bang. Blessed are the warmongers for they shall be blown to Kingdom Come.

BLACK SHEEP, n. One who has a b-a-a-a-d attitude.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST, n. One who is devoted to giving conspiracy theory a bad name.

FUNDAMENTALIST, n. One who takes the Bible literally, except when he doesn’t.

HERITAGE, n. An inheritance, such as Christianity or hemophilia.

INEVITABLE, adj. Unavoidable, unless you do what I tell you to do to avoid it.

JESUS, n. The imaginary friend of over a billion chldren of all ages.

MONEY, n. The measure of all things.

RAPTURE, THE, n. Beam me up, Goddy.

ROYALTY, n. A share paid to a writer of the proceeds from the sale of his or her work: so-called because it invariably enables him or her to live like royalty, such as an Ellery Queen or a Stephen King.

SALIVATION, n. A prerequisite for salvation.

SELF-EMPLOYED, adj. Self-exploited.

TRUTH, n. Apparently a very good thing, since every liar and every raving, dogmatic fanatic loves it above all else.

WE THE PEOPLE, n.pl. What do you mean “We,” White man?

AMERICAN POWER, n. An exception to Lord Acton’s dictum that power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Why is it an exception? Don’t ask me. Ask the exponents of the doctrine of American Exceptionalism. I’m sure they’ll have an exceptionally excellent answer.

ATHEIST,n. A Biblebanger-basher.

CORPORATE CAPITALISM , n. Collectivist capitalism.

GARLIC, n. An onionlike plant used to purify one’s blood and to prevent one’s purified blood from being drunk by vampires.

INCEST SURVIVOR, n. One of the rare few victims of incest who has lived to tell the tale to Oprah.

INNOCENT VICTIM, n. The best kind of victim, for propaganda purposes. After all, who would care about a guilty victim?

MUFFLER, n. A device that reduces the noise of an internal-combustion engine, but not nearly enough.

ROGUE STATE, n. A state that commits the offense of impersonating the policeman of the
world.

SCALPER, n. A barbarous barber who takes much too much off the top.

SCHOLERA, n. An acute, infectious, academic disease characterized primarily by serious intestinal-fortitude disorders.

UNBELIEVER, n. One who might believe all sorts of things, but just not the same exact things that you believe.

(The above definitions were not included in “Lucifer’s Lexicon,” the book published by Loompanics Unlimited in 1987, but they could be included in a sequel to or new edition of that book.)

If you believe that Israel is going to disarm any time soon (because of some false promises by the Antichrist), you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe the European Union constitutes a revived Roman empire, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe the curse on the serpent in Genesis 3: 14-15 is a prophecy of Jesus’ defeat of Satan and you believe you are a Biblical literalist, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe the U.S. Constitution created a government based on the absolute laws of the Bible, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe George W. Bush never lied as president because you believe he is a Christian and a lying Christian is impossible, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe the Bible is the literal and inerrant word of an all-knowing God, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe the Koran is the literal and inerrant word of an all-knowing Allah, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe Atlas Shrugged is the literal and inerrant word of an all-knowing Ayn Rand, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe Atlas Shrgged was Ayn Rand’s blueprint for the New World Order, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe that the present time in history is the first time that many people have run to and fro and knowledge has been increased (Daniel 12: 4), you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe Moses and Thutmosis must have been the same person because of their similar names, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe Moses and Ahmosis must have been the same person because of their similar names, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe RuPaul and Ron Paul must be the same person because of their similar names, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe Dr. John Coleman, British-born conspiracy nut, and John S. Coleman, alleged by Gary Allen to be an American member of the Bilderberg Advisory Committee, must be the same person because of their similar names, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe that success for the “Holocaust denial” movement might lead to a slavery denial movement, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe that what you are doing at midnight on New Year’s Eve is what you’re going to be doing the rest of the following year, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believe the Screaming Egos make better music than the Blazing Bozos, you are (probably) deluded.
If you believed that Y2K was going to lead to a cashless society, you were (probably) deluded.

Some writers have called Jesus a rabbi. And Lenny Bruce said “rabbi means lawyer.” But to judge from the Gospel of John 8:12-20, Jesus was not simply a lawyer; he was a shyster.
Here is the relevant quotation, in which Jesus debated with the Pharisees:

“Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.
“The Pharisees therefore said unto him, Thou bearest record of thyself; thy record is not true.
“Jesus answered and said unto them, Though I bear record of myself, yet my record is true: for I know whence I came, and whither I go; but ye cannot tell whence I come, and whither I go.
“Ye judge after the flesh; I judge no man.
“And yet if I judge, my judgment is true: for I am not alone, but I and the Father that sent me.
“It is also written in your law, that the testimony of two men is true .
“I am one that bear witness of myself, and the Father that sent me beareth witness of me.
Then they said unto him, Where is thy Father? Jesus answered, Ye neither know me nor my Father; if ye had known me, ye should have known my Father also.
“These words spake Jesus in the treasury, as he taught in the temple: and no man laid hands on him; for his hour was not yet come.”

When Jesus said, “It is also written in you law, that the testimony of two men is true,” he was
referring to the Mosaic law that can be found in Deuteronomy 17:6: “At the mouth of two witnesses, or three witnesses, shall he that is worthy of death be put to death; but at the mouth of one witness he shall not be put to death.”
Much of what Jesus said in his debate with the Pharisees was simply unproven assertion. Insofar as he had an actual argument, it basically boiled down to this: Mosaic law requires two witnesses to prove something true. He and the Father that sent him were two witnesses that he was the light of the world. Q.E.D. Jesus was the light of the world.
Jesus’ citation of the Mosaic law–“your law,” as he put it to the Pharisees–may have been an effective debating gambit. The Pharisees were probably in no position to challenge that law. But it should be obvious that the law in question is not the expression of any objective truth, but is only an abitrary rule of thumb, at best.The idea that to have two witnesses, instead of just one, making the same claim, is always going to lead to the truth is absurd and ridiculous. It is entirely possible for two or more witnesses to agree, but to be mistaken, or maybe even lying.
Furthermore, Jesus claimed the Father that sent him as his second witness, but the Father that supposedly sent him never testified to the Pharisees on his behalf. From the Pharisees’ point of view, Jesus had only one witness, himself.
All in all, Jesus’ argument, insofar as he had any argument, was completely specious. That he relied on such a specious argument shows that Jesus was a shyster and not a god, unless, perhaps, a god can also be a shyster.